My joy is worth healing for.

Last week, I experienced one of the best moments of my life. Alone. And I wouldn’t have it any other way. That experience taught me that I, alone, have the power to create a life that keeps me on a Natural High. In fact, I have the responsibility to create that life. And to do the work it requires to maintain it.

If the insecure and shy girl of my youth knew that I would one day stand confidently on a stage, shining bright, and seeking judgement…she would be amazed. And proud of the transformation she never believed could take place.

It took a great deal of (self) reflection, (self) acceptance, (self) forgiveness and (self) appreciation to get here. However, once I realized that I am enough and complete by myself. I learned how to create joy for myself. I began to invest in experiences that put me in position to feel the Natural Highs that I deserve. Experiences that others didn’t give to me – and therefore, others could never take away from me. That power…and responsibility…belongs solely to me.

For a long time I allowed the fear of being alone to make me addicted to superficial highs. Or exhilarating moments that I could only experience from being in connection to someone else. Fear stole my power. And gave another person the responsibility to create my joy. In the words of some wise soul…”make it make sense”.

At the start of my Forty-Fifth year of life, I’m grateful to finally be in a season of freedom. Released from the grips of that fear. Drenched in the recognition of my value and the willingness to enforce my worth.

And while it feels amazing to have others see my worth. I don’t grant anyone else the authority to validate my value. By doing so I grant them the ability to control the frequency of my highs. And I enjoy my power, my freedom, too much to allow that to happen.

In closing, this is what I now know to be true. It takes courage to enter challenging experiences armed only with a commitment to do my best. However, that courage and commitment are all that I need to make sure that I leave those same challenging experiences…on a Natural High.

The world needs us to show up in any space, on any stage, covered in confidence, value, and power. And I stand ready to fulfill that need. And so should you.

Every time I look at you

it’s a vibe

You’re fully locked in on me

And it shows

You look at me with the kindest, the softest, eyes I’ve ever felt

Your energy towards me is possessive

There’s no secret about your intentions

to protect me, my peace, and my happiness,

at all costs

Your compliments are consistent

You extend grace towards me

for the same flaws that you embrace

You set the standard for how to adore me

You can’t let a day go by without expressing your appreciation

for, and of, me

You are who I look forward to seeing

Every

Single

Day…

In my reflection

I love you

And you love me back

And as long as me and you remain good

Then everything else…

well everything else gone be alright

Happy Valentine’s Day Beautiful People!

The unthinkable happened in February and I’ve yet to scream. grieve. or heal.

Instead, I do my best to stay busy. Because stillness brings pain that only subsides to anxiety. Or the overwhelming fear of encountering the next trigger that will make me fall apart. Again. That will steal the smile I’ve managed to find – mainly because I know that’s what my Mama wants. For me to live. Be happy. The things she’s always wanted for me. Especially when I lost the desire – the will – to do either.

I’m afraid to grieve. To scream. To allow this pain to escape my being.

Because that’s all that is inside of me now. And once it’s free, I will have to find something to replace it. And whatever that something is…it won’t come from my Mama. She’ll do her best to send me her love from Heaven. But it won’t be in the form of her voice, her touch, her affection, her acceptance. The things that always brought me back from the place I went when I wanted to get away from life. And happiness that never really belonged to me anyway.

I realize that my Mama was my anchor to sanity. My protection from depression. The reminder of the goodness in me that came mainly from being a part of her.

Now my Mama is gone.

The pain consumes me.

The scream can’t leave me.

Because there is absolutely no one on this earth that would – could – ever fill the void it would create.

But I’ll continue to smile. Because that’s what my Mama wants.

For me to live.

And be happy.

I’m trying Mama.

Have you ever seen a unicorn in real life? How about one dripped in melanin? What about a small tribe of melanin drenched unicorns that dominate and enhance their environment in the most magical ways possible – individually and collectively? You probably haven’t. But I have. And I have the privilege of calling these phenoms, these unicorns, my sisters.

Together, we’ve created a tribe of empowerment, accountability, and acceptance that is rare in a society most known for envy and competition. We even have the audacity to place crowns around our signature horns to further illuminate our uniqueness, grace and power. Indeed, we intentionally celebrate and enhance the very feature that others may find intimidating or even unbecoming.

And while we can readily acknowledge that we are not for everybody. We know that for those that choose not to accept us…it is their loss, not ours.  That is precisely why we refuse to allow each other to hide from the spotlight that both precedes our presence and emanates from our very being. To be clear, you can’t help but to know that we’re coming, and you’ll find it impossible to ignore us when we arrive. After all, we are an unapologetic force of fierceness. You cannot contain us anymore than you can change us. So don’t try.

Yet, inevitably, there are moments when we feel drained by the very force, the strength, that defines us. However you will never know when those moments occur. You see, we are unable to share our vulnerabilities with mere mortals. Because when you’re built different, you carry your burdens different. That is why we can only confirm that our struggles even exist to the members of our tribe. After all, they are the only ones that can fully appreciate what it took for us to expose that secret. Over the years we’ve each learned, in our own way, how lonely it is at the top. Because of that past isolation, we now know how amazing it feels to trust someone, a sister, to protect us as we heal. And to be able to depend on our tribe members to remind us that we belong to a lineage of magical and powerful creatures. As such, we have the confidence to know that it is not a question of can we recover. Only a matter of when.

It should go without saying, but I’m sure it won’t surprise you to know that melanin unicorns are an endangered species.  As such, to rest your eyes upon one is a honor. To know that you are one is a blessing. And to be amongst others that look like you is a phenomenon of supernatural origin.  As such, I simply ask that you put some respect on our existence, our excellence, and the measures that we’ll take to protect our tribe.

In closing, to my tribal sisters, let me leave you with this affirmation. The omniscient Queen B recently released a song, Unique. In this anthem for all powerful women, she sang the words, “Unicorn is the uniform you wear”. And so everyday I want you to remind yourself that it’s you. You are the unicorn. And let me be the first one to tell you that you wear your uniform, your melanin, your crown, exceptionally well.

It is an honor to serve with you. It is a blessing to call you both my sisters.

3 Ways that I Thrive Through Stress

by Ms. Scott

There is an old adage that states, ‘nothing worth having comes easy.’ And my favorite lyrical genius, Tupac Amaru Shakur, once made it perfectly clear that he “don’t want it if it’s that easy”. Now, we all know what Tupac meant in his classic track, “I get around”. But let’s imagine, for a moment, that both of those statements referred to reaching some level of success.  By doing so, we could reframe the expressions to acknowledge that it will require a ton of effort to reach most of our goals. And also, that we should possess pride in our efforts to achieve greatness. The issues arise as those efforts transition from not easy to very challenging and eventually produce unwanted stress.  

Now to me, stress and anxiety are kinfolk. And I’m talking baby sister kin. Not that seventh cousin on my great great great granddaddy side of the family, kind of kin. I make that comparison to highlight that if I do not handle stress properly, it will quickly get the best of me because I am not my best self, when I’m anxious.  It is worth noting that stress is actually defined as ‘a state of mental or emotional strain or tension resulting from adverse or demanding circumstances.’ While we don’t normally associate the aforementioned success with an adverse situation, we can all agree that we oftentimes find ourselves in demanding circumstances on our way to…and after we arrive at…success.

Over the course of a very demanding career – approaching nearly twenty years in duration – I’ve discovered the following three ways that help me to not just function in stress, but to actually thrive through it.

1) Achieve and Practice Balance – Unapologetically

I’ve come to believe that all work and no play equals self-induced isolation at best and a heart attack at worst. And it might be a blasphemous thing for me to say, yet there is absolutely nothing on my massive, never ending ‘to do’ list that is worth me reaching either outcome. To put things in perspective, my career is a blessing and to say that I love what I get to do is far from your average cliché. It is fact. However, there were seasons in my life, when I let the demands of my career consume me. Did I excel professionally during those seasons? Sure. Did I thrive personally during those seasons? Absolutely not.

My inability to achieve balance between my professional aspirations and personal well-being ultimately led to serious considerations of retirement. Surprise, surprise but success was not – is not – enough. I deserve to thrive. That is why I made a commitment to myself to not only achieve balance, but to actively practice it, unapologetically. By doing so, I could erase the thoughts in my head that began to paint success as the enemy to my happiness. By doing so, I’ve become the very best version of myself. A version that also continues to excel. A version that still encounters stress but is determined to thrive through it, not get lost in it.

2) Release the Obsession with Perfection

One thing’s for certain, two things for sure, I could not achieve balance while I remained obsessed with perfection. I had to release that urge, that pressure, that expectation to do everything, perfectly, all the time. I released the fear of judgement when anyone, everyone, realized that I made mistakes. You know, like all humans. I disrobed myself of the responsibility to be the poster child for all African American women in my field. I became okay, with simply being Octavia Rochell Scott, a very talented woman, but absent of any and all superhero powers.

However, it was important for me to first validate the source of that obsession before I released it from my being. People that look like me are in fact underrepresented in my profession. It is indeed important that I reach certain milestones and blaze trails so that others know, first, that it’s possible, and secondly, develop confidence that they can do the same…and better. And it’s also true that every time that I fail, you better believe the masses will know – because they’re watching, wondering, waiting. After all, there’s a reason that there are so few that look like me…right?

But a constant quest for perfection equals stress. And as already stated, ain’t nobody got time for that. Instead, I’ve perfected the art of managing expectations, first my own but then also those of others. And I’ve embraced the fact that while I will always strive to deliver my best, sometimes, it will not be enough. Or more likely than not, I won’t have enough time to package it up. Will I continue to set a high bar for myself? Absolutely. After all, my work is my legacy to this world, and I take pride in everything that I do. However, will I apologize when that bar only reaches the top of the Eifel Tower and not the peak of Mount Everest? Absolutely not. Not anymore. After all, let’s not get it confused, getting to the top of the Eifel Tower is still very much a flex.

3) Stop and Start Over

Let me be clear, not all stress is bad stress. In fact, some stress is a sign that you have the courage and confidence to set an impressive goal and that you believe in yourself enough to put in the work, the demanding work, to get there. So, I do not avoid stress. Not by any means. I just don’t wallow in it. When the anxiety becomes debilitating or I begin to feel frustration, with myself or with others, I know that it’s time for me to stop. And start over if needed. Since clearly what I’m doing isn’t working if it becomes counterproductive to my ultimate desire to achieve and thrive, at the same time. However, between the ceasefire and the next call to action, I make it a point to take time and reflect. I take note not only of the things that didn’t work out during that last attempt, but also on the things that did. Whether learned through success or from failure, the lessons will ultimately make me better. The very best gift that I can give myself is a promise to not define Octavia by her successes, or her failures, but by her willingness to always show up and keep trying.

I’ll leave you with these three reminders. First, never feel guilty for putting just as much effort into fulfilling yourself as you do into fulfilling the tasks levied upon you, from internal and external sources. Second, get comfortable with managing expectations to a point where you can still take pride in the things that bear your name but not let your standards equate to pressure to be perfect. And finally, there is nothing wrong with realizing that what you’re doing isn’t working as long as you’re also willing to regroup, step back, and come back better than ever.

I learned how to Thrive Through Stress. And guess what, so can you.

Who am I? That is without the titles given to me because of a successful career and motherhood.

The truth is, I honestly don’t know. More often than I will ever admit, I feel lost amongst the collection of powerful descriptors — Lieutenant Colonel, Battalion Commander, LLC Founder, published author, Amar’s mama — that still fail to portray my true identify. Sadly, it is possible for someone to be acquainted with me in one or all those roles, and still not know who I truly am. After all, I don’t even know.

According to a Psychology Today article, “people who struggle with imposter syndrome believe that they are undeserving of their achievements and the high esteem in which they are, in fact, generally held. They feel that they aren’t as competent or intelligent as others might think — and that soon enough, people will discover the truth about them. Those with imposter syndrome are often well accomplished…”

I first recognized the signs of Imposter Syndrome in my own life when I realized my inability to extend grace to myself. My self-standards were too high…sometimes unachievable, and always unsustainable. Yet, I did not create a soft place for my pride to land in those moments when I did not — could not — deliver the results I expected.  I noticed the signs again when I acknowledged that if inpatient was a person, that person would undoubtedly be me. Because in my head, there was always another goal to accomplish, another title to obtain, and never the opportunity to just exist in the moment. For to be still, was to become a potential target of scrutiny. And in that scrutiny, the observer might discover that who I really am pales in comparison to the person I’m constantly striving to be.

In my opinion, the only way to win a battle with the Imposter Syndrome is to develop an identity that is not tied to a title or accomplishment. To be comfortable with who you are at your core, when no one else is around and when there are no expectations levied upon your existence. It’s when the goal of life becomes to connect with and be content with your authentic self. And when you can accept that being a work in progress — completing your process — is a sign of humanity, not failure.

It is that desire for authenticity that led to my decision to compete again. Admittedly, I am still a novice competitor. However, if nothing else, I know that bodybuilding is a process. One that will require my inner athlete to carry a hefty measure of grace as I accept this challenge to transform…physically, emotionally, and even mentally. Ironically enough, this is my opportunity to create a safe space where I can connect with, nurture, and encourage the woman I see in the mirror every day before I fully become the athlete that will step back on the stage and present her ‘best package’ before strangers.  

I don’t know if you can hear it, but my healing clock is now ticking. And on October 15, 2022, I will do the unthinkable and willingly allow myself to be scrutinized, judged, and compared. But I will do so only after I complete an intense prep process that will ultimately allow me to embrace my flaws — internal and external. Indeed, regardless of the outcome of the critique of my exterior, I want to leave the stage proud of the work I did within myself.

As I commit to this process that will deliberately, and selfishly, force me to focus in. I encourage you to find a goal that will challenge you to do the same. The world, the expectations, the titles will all still be there while we do our work. But if we happen to lose a thing or two during this process…well, that’s okay too. Because we’ll walk away with the one thing we truly need to measure success and happiness from here on out: the recognition of and connection with our authentic self.

You expected your last shot to be ‘all net’. It turned out to be a brick. Your pride is hurt, and you’re embarrassed. So, your first instinct is to take a quick look around.  To check and see if anyone else witnessed what should’ve been your winning shot turn into an epic failure. That’s too bad — you took your eyes off the ball too soon.

Your first move should’ve been to look inside. Replay your mental reel. See what mistakes you made and more importantly, what lessons you need to learn because of them. And then maybe, just maybe, you could have quickly regrouped, and set yourself up to make an epic rebound. With the same shot you just missed.  

But you’ll never know. Because you lost focus. The game was still going on, the next play in action. Yet, you were stuck worrying about something you couldn’t change instead of looking for an opportunity to regain control.

The fact is, there are lessons in failure that will ultimately bring more value to your life than the satisfaction of success ever will. After all, over time, any player with talent and dedication will eventually make more shots than they will miss. However, the Most Valuable Player — in any game and especially in life — is the person that is capable of reviving hope after everyone else got discouraged and decided to give up. You’re not just any player. You’re an MVP.

It’s time to accept that you will never get another chance to make that shot you missed. It’s possible that others saw you fail. Maybe they didn’t. It’s even possible that someone will remind you of the time you put up that brick. More likely than not, they’ll forget. Probably, a lot sooner than you will. So, you can focus on the mistake or the lesson. But not both. You can replay what went wrong with the intent of beating yourself up, or you review the sequence of events to figure out how you can become better. But you can’t do both.

Remind yourself that you were good enough to make that shot on the first attempt. However, that specific moment wasn’t meant for you. It never was. Regardless of how bad you wanted it. How much you deserved it. But your moment is coming. Believe that. Bet on it even. The question is, will you be ready for it?

You will be if you have the courage to still try. Even after you lose. Especially after you lose. You deserve the joy of experiencing your own rebound. All you need to do is focus on the lessons of the past, not the mistakes, and believe that the opportunity to recover is coming. Maybe a lot sooner than you think.

PSA: I stopped reaching for the stars and just GRABBED one! And I confess, I love the way this success feels in the palm of my hand.  

Let me explain. 

Recently, I made the decision to stop aspiring towards my dreams, and to just do the work to achieve them. As a result, in the past 13 months, I published not just one book, but TWO. That’s right, I released my first novella, “A Table for One” in February 2021 and just published the sequel, “No Really, I’m Fine,” last week! Never mind the fact that this occurred while I served in a Key Development (KD) assignment in my full-time career as an Army Officer. I prioritized an accomplishment that served MY happiness, supported MY dreams, and fulfilled MY purpose. And I don’t have a single regret. On the contrary, I am beyond proud of myself for having the courage to put ME first. 

I am also extremely and externally grateful to everyone that supports my work. It’s true, I could never thank you enough for encouraging me to do that thing that makes my heart smile the brightest and biggest. Writing books. 

Indeed, no longer do I aspire to be an Author. I am one. Twice over. 

Grabbing stars is addictive. Try it out and let me know if you agree.

The goal of my life

Is to get my heart and mind

To ride the same wave

At the same time

And to have neither fall off

To realize that their connection

Has the power to calm storms

But that their separation

Creates them

I want my feelings and thoughts

To be Best Friends

That never fight, each other

But that will go to war, for each other

Creating a heart 

that listens to reason

And a mind that knows

when it’s not the right season

for love