Personal Archives - Pamper. Purpose. Service.

Scream Already

Posted On November 5th, 2023

The unthinkable happened in February and I’ve yet to scream. grieve. or heal.

Instead, I do my best to stay busy. Because stillness brings pain that only subsides to anxiety. Or the overwhelming fear of encountering the next trigger that will make me fall apart. Again. That will steal the smile I’ve managed to find – mainly because I know that’s what my Mama wants. For me to live. Be happy. The things she’s always wanted for me. Especially when I lost the desire – the will – to do either.

I’m afraid to grieve. To scream. To allow this pain to escape my being.

Because that’s all that is inside of me now. And once it’s free, I will have to find something to replace it. And whatever that something is…it won’t come from my Mama. She’ll do her best to send me her love from Heaven. But it won’t be in the form of her voice, her touch, her affection, her acceptance. The things that always brought me back from the place I went when I wanted to get away from life. And happiness that never really belonged to me anyway.

I realize that my Mama was my anchor to sanity. My protection from depression. The reminder of the goodness in me that came mainly from being a part of her.

Now my Mama is gone.

The pain consumes me.

The scream can’t leave me.

How signs of the Imposter Syndrome led me back to the Bodybuilding Stage.

Posted On June 26th, 2022

Who am I? That is without the titles given to me because of a successful career and motherhood.

The truth is, I honestly don’t know. More often than I will ever admit, I feel lost amongst the collection of powerful descriptors — Lieutenant Colonel, Battalion Commander, LLC Founder, published author, Amar’s mama — that still fail to portray my true identify. Sadly, it is possible for someone to be acquainted with me in one or all those roles, and still not know who I truly am. After all, I don’t even know.

According to a Psychology Today article, “people who struggle with imposter syndrome believe that they are undeserving of their achievements and the high esteem in which they are, in fact, generally held. They feel that they aren’t as competent or intelligent as others might think — and that soon enough, people will discover the truth about them. Those with imposter syndrome are often well accomplished…”

I first recognized the signs of Imposter Syndrome in my own life when I realized my inability to extend grace to myself. My self-standards were too high…sometimes unachievable, and always unsustainable. Yet, I did not create a soft place for my pride to land in those moments when I did not — could not — deliver the results I expected. I noticed the signs again when I acknowledged that if inpatient was a person, that person would undoubtedly be me. Because in my head,

You missed the shot. Don’t ignore your chance to rebound.

Posted On May 30th, 2022

You expected your last shot to be ‘all net’. It turned out to be a brick. Your pride is hurt, and you’re embarrassed. So, your first instinct is to take a quick look around. To check and see if anyone else witnessed what should’ve been your winning shot turn into an epic failure. That’s too bad — you took your eyes off the ball too soon.

Your first move should’ve been to look inside. Replay your mental reel. See what mistakes you made and more importantly, what lessons you need to learn because of them. And then maybe, just maybe, you could have quickly regrouped, and set yourself up to make an epic rebound. With the same shot you just missed.

But you’ll never know. Because you lost focus. The game was still going on, the next play in action. Yet, you were stuck worrying about something you couldn’t change instead of looking for an opportunity to regain control.

The fact is, there are lessons in failure that will ultimately bring more value to your life than the satisfaction of success ever will. After all, over time, any player with talent and dedication will eventually make more shots than they will miss. However, the Most Valuable Player — in any game and especially in life — is the person that is capable of reviving hope after everyone else got discouraged and decided to give up. You’re not just any player. You’re an MVP.

Posted On December 13th, 2021

I must admit that I worked hard to have a smile that originates from my soul, travels through my heart and still arrives intact to its destination on my face. Because for years I only felt emptiness in my soul, sadness in my heart, and wore a smile faker than a million dollar bill. I didn’t know my purpose, didn’t believe in happiness, and felt that no one cared to know my truth.

And so I ate. A lot.

Posted On November 15th, 2021

This is the year that I finally arrived at a level of success that made every last one of my previous failures and trials worth it. And I got here because I achieved and dreamed at the exact same time. If I’d focused simply on reaching important milestones in my Army career and ignored my dream to write, I would not know this success. Or if I’d focused solely on publishing my first book and neglected to give my best to my career, I would not know this degree of success.

Posted On October 11th, 2021

Life goes on – after every hurt and after every tragedy. The world doesn’t stop when we suffer, nor does it slow down as we recover. Life continues at the exact same pace, whether we actively participate in it or not.

Posted On September 6th, 2021

If I’m honest, this idea of emotional security or safety is relatively new to me. Growing up, I always thought the goal of any romantic relationship was to fall madly and deeply “in love.” And it didn’t matter if that ‘love’ was kind to me, if that ‘love’ respected me, or really if that ‘love’ was even reciprocated. As long as I was “in it”, it was right…or something like that.

Posted On August 9th, 2021

I am about six weeks out from my next CrossFit competition on 18 September. And let me tell you, the nerves are REAL. Yes, I’m working on the complexity of the exercises but more importantly I’m working to make sure my mind is right.

Posted On June 4th, 2021

Picture yourself in that moment
When all that you are, is everything they see
And the message of “enoughness” you came to deliver
Is the very gift everyone around you receives

Posted On May 11th, 2021

This…cannot…wait
Yes, yes I know there’s so much you need me to do
Right now
At this moment
So many things that I told you I would do
For you
Right now
At this moment

Category: Personal

Scream Already

How signs of the Imposter Syndrome led me back to the Bodybuilding Stage.

You missed the shot. Don’t ignore your chance to rebound.

Emotional Eating: Why it Became my Drug of Choice and how I Recovered

Why it’s Perfectly Ok to Achieve Goals…and Still Not be Satisfied

The Beauty of Resilience

Emotional Safety or Love: The Choice is Easy

Introducing Nandi (My Inner Beast)

The Gift of You

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